it smarts

your words on the screen touch me like heather
rustling the hairs just above my knees
i blush as i type hoping no one can tell
just how sick and swirly my head feels now

will you come back here and see me the same?
or would it be too disappointing to even try
how can i hide myself when i want nothing more
than to hold you in my arms and smell your skin

laughing in bed and rolling in the sheets
we used to get in trouble for any reason at all
day and night were one in the same rotating
and sleep was always less necessary than words

inspire me, enliven me, give me hope to become
something similar maybe better than who i was
touch me and know me without turning your face
and your eyes will assure me my love is not phased

bootsteps

excited at your return i wait by the hall
following your scent across the seas
watching the days of anticipation sharpen
heart-wrenched at just the thought
lying there with my eyes just shut
seeing your smile and arms opening

Remembering my happiness will return
i constantly remind myself to breath
holding my ownself tightly hugging
imagining that my arms are yours only
seething small gasps through closed teeth
the confusion of missing is overwhelming

Will you come back to me now and never go?
stay in our place together here forever
forgive my shortfallings as they are many
bind our misgivings in understanding
label our sadnesses past as groundbreaking
the future is ours for the living

i could write about your missing figure still
wanting my heart to type more and more
shivering with shoulders broken soon to swell
into real life presence with you in this hall
a door left wide open with every welcome mat
i'm collapsed at the ghost of your bootsteps

loss of ambition followed by a lost cause
you can't do anything in a hurry
voiding out all the good advice given freely
you should have never come around
you should leave and not come back
you should grow up.

street walking and walking and i'm nowhere
i'm 2 blocks from where i started
still half fit but ready to go
but my boots are wet and i'm hungry
someone holler at me please
I'm out alone til 8

devil on bay

the absence of god does not bring me comfort
it only brings me closer to myself
keeps the bats at bay
makes the noise only background
and keeps the devil on bay

he looks up at me smiling
wondering how soon til i embrace him
that is again and once more
lying in his warm embrace
claws withdrawn and mouth opening

and i look up at his gaping jaw
more open for peace than for biting
and i close my eyes and disappear
into his red mind so full of need
that i can't help but swallow

so i won't come back to you- love
family and past get washed up under us
thinking and swimming are one
and my chin is floating above
yet i'm never gasping or wanting for air

instead i become that old fierce beast
the one you used to shield me from
and i brace myself for fall and am ready
the blood rolls inside my eyes and chest
as i bob to the top of this day

never ever

all the good and the bad
they each add up
the difference is ruling me
and i want to run

please wash it away
from me from you
til i'm clean til i'm broke
and let me be

a new house a new life
will never make it alright
but will make me clean

and i've never loved somebody
never ever never never
the way that i've
love you

friday friend

maybe we should have met back then
when we were cooler than we think we are now

now our lives look like picture books to them
those we knew in the wake

we still want what we have left behind somehow
despite how ugly their remnants seem

so we pay attention to each other day to day
and our lives are full and real

and we've become friday friends each week and
maybe friends are what we are

drum line

when you're waiting for momentum it seems like you're at the end of a bread line
they'll get to you eventually but will there be anything left?
can't take the handouts that unfamiliars give
though they would most likely be enough
to keep you going and keep you fed
you're not used to their hands

plus pride is such a wicked mother
from birth you're taught to love her and hold her close
they never tell you she will hold you down and back
at just the moment when you need mothering
at the time just before collapse- the great collapse
but you hold tight to her

and though we're all in this holey boat together we see not
see not each other as comrades as sisters or brothers parents or lovers
just more easy competition, that's how our mother guides us
we are the proud, the unsinkable, the educated, the infallible-
we are doomed
we are in need
we are blind

rotator cuff

her shoulders have carried us so far
so far
we're always in need of them
always

now one is separated
one is no use to her
one is almost missing

I beg her to mend it
please mend it
I need that shoulder still
need it

she wants it for her own reasons
i want it for her reasons too
and for our reasons

she has carried us unaided as I mentioned
for so long
I wish I could take all that weight
I'll take what i can
and wait