why am i still tripping over my own feet
after all this time of corrective thinking
it's just like clockwork how i fail
and fall and fall

sad days are not enough to solve
and there's still no end in site
the problem evolves
growing

beyond your control
or within your grasp
either way
breaking

awaiting reply

resisting the need to put my words to type
the words I have for you post edit
mashed up falsely articulated verbs
hashed out in statements just asking please
can you respond to this note using more letters?

would it be too much to ask for a whole sentence-
or am I overstepping our boundaries?
the ones you've set and I tucked down to accept
while placing all my thoughts in little boxes
because you don't want to hear them

is it your ease at ignoring my choicest phrase
that so makes rashes across my retinas reflected
in the violence I never show out of restraint?
is it poise that I exhibit to you- no- while it may look
that way to me somehow it seems you are laughing

the most futile conversation is this one we have
there will never be a sweet sincerely or pps from you
and I will never put in combination the letters to
make up the words to make up the sentences to make up
the eulogy for a relationship that never really lived

it smarts

your words on the screen touch me like heather
rustling the hairs just above my knees
i blush as i type hoping no one can tell
just how sick and swirly my head feels now

will you come back here and see me the same?
or would it be too disappointing to even try
how can i hide myself when i want nothing more
than to hold you in my arms and smell your skin

laughing in bed and rolling in the sheets
we used to get in trouble for any reason at all
day and night were one in the same rotating
and sleep was always less necessary than words

inspire me, enliven me, give me hope to become
something similar maybe better than who i was
touch me and know me without turning your face
and your eyes will assure me my love is not phased

bootsteps

excited at your return i wait by the hall
following your scent across the seas
watching the days of anticipation sharpen
heart-wrenched at just the thought
lying there with my eyes just shut
seeing your smile and arms opening

Remembering my happiness will return
i constantly remind myself to breath
holding my ownself tightly hugging
imagining that my arms are yours only
seething small gasps through closed teeth
the confusion of missing is overwhelming

Will you come back to me now and never go?
stay in our place together here forever
forgive my shortfallings as they are many
bind our misgivings in understanding
label our sadnesses past as groundbreaking
the future is ours for the living

i could write about your missing figure still
wanting my heart to type more and more
shivering with shoulders broken soon to swell
into real life presence with you in this hall
a door left wide open with every welcome mat
i'm collapsed at the ghost of your bootsteps

loss of ambition followed by a lost cause
you can't do anything in a hurry
voiding out all the good advice given freely
you should have never come around
you should leave and not come back
you should grow up.

street walking and walking and i'm nowhere
i'm 2 blocks from where i started
still half fit but ready to go
but my boots are wet and i'm hungry
someone holler at me please
I'm out alone til 8

devil on bay

the absence of god does not bring me comfort
it only brings me closer to myself
keeps the bats at bay
makes the noise only background
and keeps the devil on bay

he looks up at me smiling
wondering how soon til i embrace him
that is again and once more
lying in his warm embrace
claws withdrawn and mouth opening

and i look up at his gaping jaw
more open for peace than for biting
and i close my eyes and disappear
into his red mind so full of need
that i can't help but swallow

so i won't come back to you- love
family and past get washed up under us
thinking and swimming are one
and my chin is floating above
yet i'm never gasping or wanting for air

instead i become that old fierce beast
the one you used to shield me from
and i brace myself for fall and am ready
the blood rolls inside my eyes and chest
as i bob to the top of this day