can I turn around when I've gone so far
can i make change in me
can i be so fierce so strong
can i do away with my evil
can i fix me
can i do it alone
can i keep my friends
can i make change
can i be me better
can i be happy with me
happy making me
into me
again for the first time
when i'm only now me
i'm only now grown up
being what i have become
making my life
making my future
embracing my love
treasuring my family
holding them close
giving them me
giving me back to everyone
to the world
to myself
i have to.

try for all its worth the dollar just keeps dropping
in and out of our fingers hearts are sliding too
slippery and damp my face is a waking chasm
with your back to the door the rocks spew forth and burn
leaving holes around the outline of the refrigerator

my pleasure

when you're always asked and always giving
you sell yourself out for little
the take is nothing more than forgetful
and the cold is barely kept out alone

wondering when the next chance to rise
will lay itself at your feet
is like walking in a straight line just because
you think you'll get somewhere soon

the latest fascinations and ideas of the ones you love
seem to leave you in a forgotten pocket
you're needing a wash and some attention
but you only sit and wait in the dark

so you write their letters of recommendation
you spend time and money for their fame
while hoping in vain they'll remember
to pay back your sacrifice someday

lylas

one day for me one day for you
one day for me one day for you

give it up and put it down
tie a ribbon round your frown
see the end and see it clear
they'll be no complaining here
bye the way I'm off again
sending love notes to a friend
she won't miss me for a while
but I write them still with style

cut a lock and seal it in
hope she finds it with a grin
what I'd do to show her how
I still love her even now
after all's been said and done
and how she didn't need a gun
to shoot me dead on down to size
leaving red rings round my eyes

posting

some people want hot letterhead all over the place
blazing lines of he said and she said like merciless tides
killing vision with foggy verbage on flashing screens
till there are no i's and t's left to dot or cross your path

just once when we had names no one knew and faces unseen
there were mysteries to our identities and truths never told
we then shuddered to think this place could ever be so full
so crowded and bulging from years of voices in strung words

give up your clothes they matter not for everyone can see you
they all dance naked in space telling themselves its a network
its a path to knowledge to success to understanding each other
when the language has become so muddied there's no talking

only typing

Justice used to go dancing as often as she could. Even if she danced alone in a crowded bar it was better than not dancing at all. she was never very good then and perhaps only slightly better now but she was never too scared or too sober to try.

july

just another backward facing eyesore
your shirt bleached pink from blue
your name called as vulgar and thin
pushing one down into the sheets

why are birthdays and anniversaries
the only legs to this table now
the only bars to grab hold of
the only shadows of union?

If ignorance is bliss then you must be
the happiest person I've ever met
and I must have a convincing smile
yes, everyone said they wouldn't last

miserable fiddle- stolen title

and so it was that yesterday was better yet
today another nothing left to cover
he wants to go and I want it too
but there's a blank space between there
and here's a myth we can't unravel

so what can be will always fail you
and what cannot is best left at home
your sadness and troubles not unheard
but better left unsaid in public life
no one ever wants to hear the killing

your life is being lived in so much loss
of time better spent keeping face up
and there'll never be another one like this
so long as we keep running in circles
everything always stays the same old

try as you might the weight is heavier
than bones and brains could ever bear
and he needs you but doesn't want you
and you could live ten more lives alone
but would never solve this one puzzle

shifting back and forth you kill your dead
and your mother grows older without you
and sadness and guilt turn overwhelming
so you kill the senses that take you there
and are left a frozen face in your own mirror

and just to leave the picture pretty now
I'll bend the truth and leave us hoping
that its never too late to start living
or some bullshit that you want to hear
because to listen would be taking advice

silver and gold

make new friends
but keep the old
one is silver
and the other gold

my new friend is gold
but he's moving away
gold trading hands
a commodity in exchange
for an empty space

when we were better
we were pen pals
we were true to letters
true to ourselves
we signed lylas and bff

i've always liked silver
even better than gold
so if my new friend must
he can be silver
but he won't part easier

when finally we notice
how perfect people are
it's often too late
we can only polish pieces
of silver and gold

the trailer by the river- a little slice of heaven

I'm really finally going out of town for the weekend and I simply could not be more excited. I used to take grand vacations to luxurious or far away locals before marriage, home ownership, dog ownership, business ownership, multiple jobs, volunteer commitments, responsibility. Now at this point in my still short life I'm completely satisfied and feel lucky to have a little place I can runaway to even if it's only for a weekend.

I'm going to Indiana to my mom's trailer by the river, soon to be my trailer by the river. I leave tomorrow afternoon wearing my bikini under my clothes in a big Dodge truck filled with beer, liquor, groceries, bb guns, axes & hatchets, sunscreen, my beautiful boxer and my beautiful husband. We'll make our way to Cedar Grove, to River Road, to Wilhelm's Place, to the Trailer by The Miami Whitewater. We'll air out the trailer, mow the grass, drink some beer, rock out to classic rock, and then walk through the trail in the woods to the river. It's less than half a kilometer from the trailer and you can hear the canoers and the rapids from my mom's place if you listen hard enough.

We'll pitch our tent cuz sleeping inside just doesn't make sense with no ac in the heat, and we'll gather wood from the dead debris in the woods. My man will spend an hour or more hewing dead locust, osage orange, and beech trees into logs. I'll use the little hatchet to cut off the branches and tops of the trees and help carry it all back to camp. My dog will run laps through the woods while we gather wood and then drink straight from the river like it's her own giant water bowl. We'll set up camp.

Saturday some friends will come with their canoe and more beer. They'll set up their tent and walk with us to the river following the dog. We'll plan our river adventures- canoe or inner tubes- and then pack a little cooler of snacks and drinks. We'll have the guy down the road drive us up the river in his truck and we'll make our way down to the livery and the beach where the canoe business drops people off. Once we're on the river it takes no less than 3 hours if the river is high and fast to float back to the beach by our camp. We'll get sunburned and drunk and we'll take brakes to swim and purposely hit the rocks in the rapids in our tubes- the canoers have to go around them but in an inner tube you just glide right over. Butts up! After we float under the bridge we'll be almost home. Time for dinner and a good hosing off.

Maybe we'll do it all over on Sunday. Then we'll clean up, lock up, and head home. Exhausted and rejuvenated, aged by the sun and youthful, out of beer and hungry. Wishing we could just live there in the trailer by the river, half hoping that our life in the city was just a dream and we won't have to carry the weight of the world ever again.

We leave tomorrow.

self employ

don't wanna go don't wanna go
but she's callin me from far away

i'll wait and see if i can find a way
cuz i don't wanna go don't wanna go

she's at the door and in the kitchen
callin but no no i don't wanna go

eyeball problem

my eye is twitching something wicked
like its never done before
then you spit in it dimwit
that's something you did I know

maybe if I poke it or roll it around
close it like a pirate without a patch
an empty socket with a saggy lid
would be better than this ticking

by noon if I can't find a result
the eye will meet its maker surely
doused in water rubbed then crying
I'll fix you- you'll see

Scheisse Minelli

What do I see but a boat of fools facing me?
What'ya lookin at fools?

Then for their amusement they stare-
creepy cuz I'm staring-
then silence.

woo.

Some time
Oh I remember you were supposed to be there
something came up

And then I came down on you.
Like a bag of bricks.
You got fucked up.
Ya that was me.

And back then
You pretended that it meant something to everyone
what a joke

ha ha you made me almost die
and almost cry until
Conan O'Brien
I still love you and count my stars

I told myself I'd never be here but now Mr. Peck is playing Moby Dick on the TV. wowee.
She touched the hair above my ear and I didn't think it was cute.

Justice McCafferty is a name I made up for myself.
She means me without clothes.

What would he do if I burnt all the cookies in one batch?
KO cookies, scramble for a better baker's dozen.



Shit they're done.
Was never supposed to be here.
Better exit stage left.

what it wasn't

I'm always out and about but never further than I should be. Tonight I got in a fight/ verbal disagreement with a dude about the Streetcar. I don't even want to talk about the street car or baby streetcars.